Supporting and Being Supported

My mom and I are being interviewed for a documentary on KIRO-TV about caring for one’s parents. It’s a wonderful opportunity for my Mom to share her story, and as it turns out, it’s been good for me to share a bit about it’s working out.

Background. Mom has stage 3 emphysema. She needs oxygen 24/7, hooked up to a portable oxygen tank. No matter where she goes, she always has to carry it, or someone who accompanies her. She’s got emphysema from years and years of smoking, probably almost 50 years. Mom also has rheumatoid arthritis in her hands, so it’s painful for her to open jars, turn doors, or anything that requires her to grasp firmly and turn. The last three years Mom has been shuttling back and forth between our house here in Seattle and my sister’s in Boise, Idaho. Before that, my sister cared for her for about five years. I basically offered to help my sister, as I saw the burden and stress that it was for her and her family. Now, she’ll be spending more time here mostly because I feel that my lifestyle can better support her changing health condition.

Through my interviews for the documentary, I’ve had some important realizations. The first one is about the amount of support that I personally receive. Jan, my partner, has been incredibly supportive.  When Mom first came to live with us, I basically “made” the decision for us. I never really asked him, which I know now that I should have. But, it just accepted it. He never fought me about. He never put his foot down and drew the line in the sand. He went along with the plan, a plan that we both never really knew what it fully meant. Through the months, Jan would take Mom to the dentist, take her shopping when I couldn’t go or wasn’t available, and most importantly, many of our activity choices he supported, even though he knew that it wasn’t something that he preferred. I am so fortunate for his loving support. But, there were more who helped, too.

When I was at my father’s dying bedside in Boise, Idaho a few years ago, my neighbors across the street, Mary and Deb checked on Mom during that week. When I was gone for about two weeks to help my Uncle, my Mom’s brother, move out of his house in Idaho, my friends Kevin and Kole came to stay here and take care of Mom for that entire time. When I was at Shanti-volunteer training, I mentioned my discomfort of being away from my Mom, and many of the participants expressed their compassion by checking with me to know how my Mom was doing. When I had to go on a weekend zen retreat to Santa Fe, my nephew from Vancouver, Washington rode the train up and took care of Mom. My friends ask about my Mom all the time, and some that know me real well, ask me how I’m doing. When I talk about my Mom, they emphasize how they want to know how “I” am doing. I take a deep breadth to get in touch with myself, and I share openly and honestly.

Caring for my Mom is a gift that she gives me. It’s a chance for me to demonstrate my love. The silver lining is that it’s also a chance for others to share their love and support of me. I realize it so clearly. I am so grateful for all that my family and friends do, ask, and give. Their support and understanding has inspired me to be there for them, and for others, too, to be vigilant for moments to “pay it forward.” Through my zazen (sitting meditation), I feel that I am more present to those opportunities, rather than be distracted by all the chatter in my head when I am with somebody. This is why the practice of zazen is important, to be open and responsive to supporting others and also to notice when someone else is supporting me.

Comments

[John Elieson]

I am proud to be a friend of your family. It is good to see pictures of you and your Mom after so many years. I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. Hope Uncle is doing well. Your friend always, John Elieson

[Elaine Simons]

Mark,
I am so happy the interview worked out with KIRO, I love Ben and Maria
they are awesome.

Thanks for sharing your story, its
an important story and you are a
remarkable person.

We really miss you over at PSKS, but understand you have a lot on
your platter.

With much love and respect,
Elaine

[Raylene Abbott]

Nice Blog very real writing. I have been helping out with my Mother too over the last few months. I moved back to the United States in July to help my father with my Mother's health. Thank you for your sharing Mark. Warm Regards Raylene Abbott