Pathscrossing

Learning About Myself, Again

Quite awhile ago, I read excerpts out of a book called Compassion Fatigue. A section in the book really got me thinking about what I was doing, about how I was helping people who needed support.

“It all started with an advertising campaign. We have all been cued by that famous series of ads by Save the Children. You can help this child or you can turn the page. The first time a reader sees the advertisement he is arrested by guilt. He may come close to actually sending money to the organization. The second time the reader sees the ad he may linger over the photograph, read the short paragraphs of copy and only then turn the page. The third time the reader sees the ad he typically turns the page without hesitation. The fourth time the reader sees the ad he may pause again over the photo and text, not to wallow in gilt, but to acknowledge with cynicism how the advertisement is crafted to manipulate readers like him – even if it is in a “good” cause.” (reference: Compassion Fatigue, p. 9)

I didn’t want to be that kind of person. But, ever since I read about it, almost ten years ago, I struggled with my own conscience when I would pass by a person with a cardboard sign saying, “No Home, No Money, No Job, Please Help.” Part of me wanted to empty my wallet, another part of me wondered if they would just use for alcohol or drugs. If I’m driving, I look away, trying not to make eye contact, not wanting to feel their pain and suffering even for a second. If I walk by them, and they ask, I had this canned response of “Sorry,” only to wish seconds later that I had done something.

It’s different today. Now, when I’m driving, and if my Mom is with me, she always begins to get some money out of her wallet to give to the person. Near as I can detect, there isn’t any question in her mind that she should do something. The more I’ve cared for my Mom, the more I see her giving $25 to anyone she gets mail from for cancer, leukemia, the needy, the homeless, the veterans, the list goes on. As I’ve wanted to respect her wishes during her aging, because I never know how much longer I will have the time with her, I’ve never questioned her intentions. So, she gives me the money, I roll down my window, and I hand to the person.

Now when I walk by someone on the sidewalk, I give them what I feel like giving. Sometimes it’s $5, sometimes $20, sometimes all the cash I have in my wallet. My mom’s taught me about this. I also think that my Buddhist practice have helped me, too. I’m trying to practice non-judgment and also self-trust, its a kind of non-thinking When I see someone who needs support, I just respond, I don’t try to judge what is right or wrong, or chase one question after another about what I should do. I yield to the goodness of my impulse, and more importantly, to give my respect to another person, to acknowledge the frailty of trying to support oneself, to offer a small gesture a blessing that their life have more ease, comfort, and happiness.

I still have moments when I wonder if I’m doing enough to help others. Then, I hear the voice, honed through my meditation practice and from the teachings of other Buddhist masters, teachers and practitioners, to gently give my attention to these feelings without judging myself, to be patient and vigilant, to have an open heart and a firm conviction for being compassionate. This is why I am committed to my practices, because there are so many opportunities to support another’s life, I just need to quiet the distractions and trust my deep intuition,” something I learned from Koshin Cain, Abbott of the Puget Sound Zen Center. Every time I am faced with a person who needs support, I learn about myself, again.

The Practice of Being Enough

I just finished my volunteer training this last weekend for Shanti, a Multi-faith program.The program provides “free emotional support for people affected by HIV/AIDS, cancer, and other life-threatening illnesses.”

I originally submitted my application as a volunteer to deepen my spiritual practice, to someday be formally in a position of providing end-of-life care. Before attending the training, I knew from my orientation interview that being a volunteer meant learning how to be present to the individual’s grief, loss, and helplessness without trying to fix or solve anything for them. When I began the training, I carried that expectation with me, to learn how to not feel that I needed to have an answer. When I finished the training, I had opportunities to learn and practice those skills, but more importantly, I came face-to-face with my underlying beliefs.

Here’s the bottom line, for me: every time I say to myself, “I’m insecure” as a rationale for not doing something, what I’m really saying is that “I’m giving myself a reason, an excuse for being that way.” In my case, it expands to mean that it’s okay for me to not like myself, to feel less than adequate, to not be good enough, to not, to not, to not. Even though it’s what I honestly feel, here’s what happens: my judgment of myself means that it’s something I need to fix, and that means that I need to do something to fix it. If it gets fixed, then it reinforce the idea that I need to be fixed, but if it doesn’t then, it’s a failed effort, and I end up right back where I started.

As a volunteer, this has it’s downside. The more I try to find fixes for myself, the easier it has gotten to also provide fixes to everyone else, too. And, as I learned in volunteer training, that’s not what the individual is seeking, they only want support, no fixes. If you get on the fix-it side of the conversation, then in between the words what you end up saying is, “you’re not okay, you need to be fixed.” That’s not compassion, at least not the kind of compassion I want to demonstrate.

So, what’s the fix to the not fixing? For now, I’m going to try to just say “I am enough.” I’m hoping that it’ll short-circuit the thinking that something needs to be fixed. I’m hoping that it’ll be enough so that I can just accept what is, without any rationalization, without any notion of what should have happened or what could have happened. All that goes out the window! All of it!

As a result, here’s what I hope happens. I am enough gives me acceptance of myself and the situation. It derails the fix-it thought train. Instead, I am left with being understanding and I cripple the excuse for rationalizing and justifying my negative biases about why I act the way I do. Instead, I accept the situation, accept myself, and just move on.

I didn’t expect to realize this type of insight for myself in volunteer training. Now that I have, I realize that the opportunity that I have to spend with whomever I am matched will be a tremendous gift for me to practice being enough, and hopefully from that place, I will be able to have a supportive presence for the individual, and maybe, just maybe, they, too . . . (I almost wrote something that suggested that they needed to be fixed.) Ha! Got me! To practice being enough. That’s enough.

Being Non-Judgmental Begins with Self

Today was my first day of hospice volunteer training with Shanti, Multifaith Works. I found Multifaith through an internet search of local hospice volunteer programs in the Seattle area.

After submitting my application, I was invited to an orientation interview with Robert, Program Director, and Molly, Volunteer Coordinator on September 6. This is my journal entry on September 7:

Yesterday, I had an interview with Multifaith to be a Shanti volunteer, providing end of life care, to deepen my practice as I move towards becoming a Buddhist Chaplain. They spoke of how most situations it is more about individuals who are experiencing loss and grief, about being present to them, without judgment, without asserting my own expectations and needs, without trying to solve or fix anything, but just being emotionally present. I sense that this will teach me, will give me the opportunity to learn to just be present, with love.

Even though it was only the first day, I was quickly awakened to what I had written. You see, through a variety of exercises, I was able to consider what my response would be to a Shanti-partner, an individual who had requested support from Shanti. As I sat through those exercises, I heard myself on a few occasions jump to solution-oriented responses, rather than just simply paraphrase or reflect feelings. I feel like I’m trying to unlearn and relearn new ways of communicating.

After having so many years and years of learning how to fix problems, of having the next idea, or figuring out what to do, I’m now faced with a situation where that is my handicap. It makes me wonder about how much of “that type” of thinking has affected how I look at myself. If I see myself as someone that has something that needs attention, that needs to be fixed, and more importantly, how that has affected how I see others, that they, too, have something to be fixed.

I’ve had moments where I haven’t been so judgmental of myself, being a little kinder, a little gentler, more compassionate. When I’ve felt those moments, it’s also helped me to know what it feels like, making me realize how good it would be for others to feel that way, too. And so now, more often, I feel myself being less judgmental, less critical of others, just accepting things as they are, where there is no good or no bad.

I don’t know why it feels like it’s going to be so difficult in my training, or even anticipating the challenges of it with a Shanti-partner. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake, that I’ll upset someone unknowingly. Funny thing though, it’s that fear of failure that makes me so judgmental of myself, of needing to “do it right.” But, that puts me right back on the treadmill again of needing to make sure that I have the right answers.

I guess the hard part of being non-judgmental is more about how I judge myself, first. For that, I don’t need to rely on hospice volunteer training, I can work on that from right where I’m at. Maybe that’s why I enjoy my zazen “sitting” meditation, because it’s just me, nobody else, just me. Just sitting with myself, when a thought appears, I let it go, without judgment. Now all I need to do is bring that in to my volunteer training, in to my practice exercises to be non-judgmental of my Shanti-parter, and maybe more importantly, myself.

It's Enough

My partner Jan is a professional photographer. Before this he was a university professor, then a diplomat for the Czech Embassy. He gave up his career as a diplomat in order to have a green card that he won through the lottery so we could be together. As I returned to working for Boeing, he had the time to pursue his passion for photography. He never had any formal training in photography, even though he took a couple of classes at a local studio. Everything he learned through the simple process of taking pictures. Today, many would consider him accomplished. In fact, he is just getting ready to teach a course in photography at Eastern and Central European Studies, a part of the Faculty of Philosophy and Arts at Charles University.

I share this because it points to a situation where you don’t always have to have credentials, certificates, or degrees to do what you love.  Most of the time, it’s easy to default to the belief that in order to be a writer, you have to have a degree in writing, or at the least have taken some kind of class in writing.

As I begin to pursue my interests in providing end of life care, I too, realized that I don’t have to wait for some formal certificate.  So, I did some research on the internet to do volunteer hospice care, filled out an application with Shanti, part of Multifaith Works, was called for an informal interview a few weeks later, and will be attending training on October 18, 19 and 25, 26. It feels great to know that I don’t have to wait months and months, or longer, just to act on what I feel in my heart, to be with those who will appreciate a little time from me to share, to be heard, and to be hugged. For me, it’s enough just to be a volunteer.

Sometimes, maybe we think that we have to prove ourselves to somebody (or maybe one’s self) before believing that we’re good enough to be the person we sense. See if there is a way for you to be that person right now. You don’t need permission. You don’t have to know everything to begin. Just trust yourself. Take joy in acting from that place in your heart. Have patience. Be happy that you’re doing it. Sure, it may not be as good as you know it could be, but that doesn’t really matter does it? For now, it’s enough just to be doing something. It's enough.

Dan Eldon

In 2003, Dan Eldon, a photojournalist lost his life at 22. At the age of 7, Dan grew up in Kenya. He returned to the Africa from his childhood to immerse himself in the social joys and conflicts of their people. Dan kept journals, pages and pages filled with inspiration, images, art, and photographs. The people there called him the "laughing one." Dan found the balance between compassion and joy! Dan's life reminds us that we can care about the world, that we are all artists, and that we can laugh along the way.

War is Not a Playfield

It is incomprehensible that we have war. It is such a difficult concept for me to grasp. It is even more  incomprehensible to me that a child could be a soldier. War is not a playfield. It is not where any child should learn about life.

To learn more about the reality of this situation, watch this video, then please act by writing to your Senator or Representative.