Mark Shimada

talking to more students in San Diego

A few days after, I had another invitation from Sonia to speak to another of her Speech and Communication classes. I woke up that Wednesday morning, about 7:50 a.m.  Outside the door was a note with directions and the words "about 8:30-ish." I quickly walked to the kitchen and asked Deanna if she thought it was 8:30 in the morning or 8:30 in the evening. Without any hesitation, she said, "I'm sure she meant 8:30 in the morning." By the tone in her voice, I felt that she knew Sonia's schedule somehow. With the clock ticking, Jan and I quickly dressed (no shower) and dashed out the door. I felt like I was in college again, too, like being late for a very important lecture or test that I couldn't be a minute late to.

We got lost a little with all of the construction, found parking and quickly walked our way towards the closest building. We matched Sonia's room location, C-105 to the closest map directory. Fortunately, it was only minutes away from the directory, with at least eight minutes to spare.

We couldn't find the room. So, we knocked on doors until someone advised us where the room was. When we arrived at C-105 we found that the lights were off. Darn. I quickly began thinking: Did we come to the right building? Was it the right classroom? Was my clock right? Did we miss it? With the clock ticking, Jan looked at the note again and quickly deciphered that it was L-105, not C-105.

Again returning to the map directory, we located the building, briskly walked up the stairs with only minutes to spare. We found the classroom. Jan looked in and said there was a man speaking. We stood there wondering, "Now what?" As we talked about all of the possibilities, the door opened and Sonia greeted us with her smile and invited us in.

talking to students about being invisible

Jan and I went to San Diego the week of March 28 for a much needed and long overdue vacation to spend with Patrick, Deanna and their daughter Alyssa. I was hoping to spend as much time as Patrick could afford advising me on my keynote performance. Patrick and Deanna are very successful speakers. They are successful to me because I have always felt that their hearts were the engines behind their messages. Patrick is also doing a one-man show called Man 1 Bank 0 that is getting rave reviews and praises in the U.S. and Canada

Upon arriving at their place, we met Sonia, their housemate. Sonia had emailed many months earlier inquiring about my digital storytelling workshops. At the time, I commented that I would look forward to meeting her when we arrived. No big deal, because we met her within the first hour of being there. Sonia and I exchanged hellos with the hopes of spending more time later.

Little did I know that the later would be that same day. On our way back from lunch with Patrick and Deanna we saw Sonia across the street. We waved and as we were crossing the intersection she said she was going to lunch. I suddenly did a 180 and said, "I'm going with her."

Minutes later, Sonia and I were talking over her bowl of soup at a local Greek restaurant. We shared and talked like we had been friends for years. When I told her about my story about going from invisible to visible, she asked if I would be interested in coming to her class. I would later find out that she taught Speech and Communications classes around the local city colleges. Days later she told me that I grimaced slightly, hesitated, and then said ,"Yes." That is one of my mantras about going from invisible to visible, "just say yes." Inside I was excited at the prospects of being able to see if others had felt invisible, too.

To my surprise and excitement, she offered me an opportunity to speak to two classes. There was one that night, on Monday, and the other on Wednesday. At the time we agreed that I would probably have about 20 minutes and that I could just ask them if they had ever felt invisible. That sounded simple enough, so sure, why not?

Jan and I arrived there about the time that she had asked. There were about 10 students. It was the most diverse class I had ever attended; a few were even in their traditional ethnic clothing. My plans were to talk for a few minutes, then ask them for their stories. When I arrived, Sonia had much bigger plans for me. She said we had about 45 minutes and that she had told the students that one of the things about being a good communicator is vulnerability. I had about 5 minutes to organize my thoughts (a great exercise by itself) about what I would say, how much I would say, and where I wanted to take the discussion.

I don't remember everything that I said, but I do remember the highlights of what they shared. The first student, a young woman spoke about how her sister was invisible because she did most of the talking for her. But, when her sister learned to play the piano, she developed her confidence and is very much outgoing today.

Another woman spoke about how she was like the other woman's sister, she was the invisible one. She spoke about how she remembered standing by the television asking her father questions without getting a reply. She was taking the communication class to help her overcome her communication apprehension.

A young man then spoke about how he was always put down until he went into the Navy where he became visible and has developed the confidence to speak up.

An even younger man spoke about being from the ghetto and how his friends tell him not to listen to his mom so much. He spoke about how he felt he was being invisible about the love and respect he had towards his mother around his friends.

Finally, a mother spoke about how both of her daughters had the same art teacher. One of the daughters was praised by the art teacher in front of the other daughter. The mother sensed her daughter becoming invisible and later gave her the encouragement that she deserved, too.

All these stories gave me even more encouragement to share my own story. Thank you, Sonia. Thank you to all the students who had the courage to be more visible about their stories about being invisible.

leading from invisibility

It is a fact of life that for those individuals with certain experiences can more easily relate to those who are where they have been. Simply, someone who has been invisible is more sensitive to it than others who have not felt invisible. It’s like when I quit smoking, I could smell cigarette smoke drifting from twenty feet away or on the walls of a hotel room that is supposed to be a non-smoking room.

When you are hypersensitive, your radar goes up a lot sooner, it’s the way you compensate, and it’s your early warning system. By paying attention to and mastering the power of invisibility, I have actualized the source of my leadership. Since I have paid attention to how I am invisible and visible, I have been conscientious in how I am seen and for when and how I am heard.

There are many ways to be seen in our lives, both at work, at home and with family and friends. All of us know people who are living superficial lives based on what they own, how they are dressed, and where they are seen. The dark side of this world is when individuals leap into the world of being visible without a conscience for anyone else except themselves. These are the narcissistic and ego-centric individuals who only care about how they are seen and noticed. We all know people like this. These are not the models of visibility.

There are others who have leaped into the world of being visible out of something more meaningful, more humanitarian, more compassionate. These are individuals who take a stand and want to be seen in public among friends and strangers for what they believe in.

For those who live in the world of invisibility, these are the individuals who provide inspiration. These are the individuals who are admired for how they are seen in the world.

In my world, I care about how I am seen. Since I am born out of my own invisibility, I did not leap into the world of possessions, clothing, and trendy places to be seen and noticed. In my world of invisibility, I am drawn to those who are acting out, speaking out, standing up, and expressing themselves for something bigger with more meaning and compassion for a better world.

From the movie, Invisible Mom

The gem in the movie Invisible Mom is the mother's advice to her son about his situation against his bullies, that "if you don't stand up for yourself, you're going to hurt more inside, than on the outside." Eventually the son shares this wisdom with his father when he appears in court against a boss who steals his invention of the invisibility forumla which made his wife invisible after drinking her son's bottle of pop containing the formula.

As great as this advice is, it is not that easy when it comes to one's personal life. There are so many reasons why we may choose to be silent, to not speak up, to not take a stand. Day after day, week after week, it takes a great deal of courage to speak up for yourself for the first time.  And, when you discover that the consequences were not as severe as you had imagined, if at all, you begin teaching yourself and trusting yourself to speak up again. Day after day, week after week, you become more visible having more confidence to speak up when it matters. And yet, you still have the ability to be invisible whenever you wish.

From the movie, The Invisibles

The movie The Invisibles is a story about Joy, a model and Jude, a rockstar who escape from their rehab clinic and find sanctuary together in a Paris flat. Day after day they participate in the other's fears and disappointments, only to discover that their fame only makes them even more invisible. Here is a poignant exchange between them that captures what it can feel like to be invisible and unnoticed.

Joy: We can't go out for cigarettes without being noticed.

Jude: Noticed, maybe, but not seen. You're invisible.

Joy: Huh? What do you mean invisible?

Jude: Nobody see you. What they see is the image. Model. Rockstar. Al they know about you is what they read in magazines or Entertainment Tonight. They know less about you than the guy that works at Starbucks. You are invisible. Nobody sees you, not for what you really are, not for what you want to be seen as.  And that can make you very f**ked up. It makes you pained inside, scarred, isolated, and I can't imagine any lonelier pain there is."

If you feel invisible and unnoticed, what do you do? If you notice others who might feel this way, what do you do?

mastering both invisibility and visibility

Going from invisible to visible is not just speaking up more or going to more places to be seen, though that is part of the transition. Being more visible is about finding a part of you that leads you to more courageous choices.

To become more visible is to give the part of you that you've known or discovered more life. To find that part of you, to nurture it and give it attention as often as possible so that it becomes more visible and vocal requires action and support.

To become more visible is to master the invisible. It is learning how to express oneself when we are moved to (awareness). It is choosing to be more visible out of our passions than invisible within our fears (discernment). It is acting from our purest self without compromising our personal integrity (authenticity). This is mastery, the awareness, discernment, and authenticity of when and how to be either invisible or visible.

Mastering invisibility means investing time and effort in activities where you can practice being visible. It is discovering new insights about when to still be invisible. It requires more than ad hoc attention. It requires self-discipline and commitment to invest that time and effort. It requires perseverance even when it is challenging, difficult, or feels useless.  It requires openness to the unexpected. It requires a willingness to be taught and to learn from others' and your own experiences. Most of all, it requires a trust and hope in yourself. 

Mastery is your own unique trajectory of discoveries and experiences with others in order to gain more and more confidence about being both visible and invisible.

are you invisible?

Being invisible is the knowing, feeling, and sensing of not contributing at one's full potential.

• It is the feeling of holding back a little when you want to say something, but are afraid that it may be judged unfavorably.
• It is the decision to abstain from saying something, speaking up, or expressing one's thought, idea or opinion because you don't want to draw attention to yourself, are afraid that it will not be accepted by others, or that it may not be good enough or funny enough to be appreciated.
• It is not wanting to be noticed, seen, or recognized because then you may be judged for what you look like or what you're wearing.
• It is choosing to be by yourself, rather than to be with others because you don't want to put yourself in a position of needing to say something, of needing to cover up for some part of who you really are, or fear out of not really fitting in.
• It is being quiet about some part of yourself that could jeopardize how others may accept or know more about you.
• It is about standing in public spaces so that others won't see you, just to make sure that you aren't put in a position of having to say something that others won't understand, accept, or value.

If one finds their uniqueness in this invisibility, it also provides power. It gives one the power to observe with a sensitivity that one can describe things that others cannot see. For example, in a work setting, you are pre-conditioned to see others who are similarly invisible and also need encouragement to participate.

It gives one the power of listening, it provides access to more information and understanding that someone who doesn't listen will not have. For example, by just being quiet in social settings, one hears in a different way than someone who just wants to make sure that others hear him.

It gives one the attention to recognize the contribution and efforts of others. It helps others be seen, which increases their self-confidence and morale. For example, by acknowledging your desire to be seen or recognized, you want to make sure that others don't feel the way you do. This way, you find moments to encourage and reward others.

my first toastmasters meeting

Tonight I went to my first Toastmasters International meeting. I read about it in a commuity newspaper. As a friend had mentioned it to me over a  year ago, I was curious then, but didn't have enough courage to see myself ready to speak in front of an audience. 

Going to the meeting was a small and big step. I didn't know anything about the group or the meeting except that it was for individuals to practice their public speaking. It was a small step because I know that there is much more for me to learn and practice as a public speaker. It was a big step because I took action towards being more visible about telling my story.

Toastmasters has a format for the meeting. Different members of the club assume different roles in the meeting like Evaluator, Speaker, Topic Leader, Grammarian, Timer, etc. The meeting was broken up into roughly four sections: two pre-schedule speeches by individuals who are en route to fulfilling the objectives of speeches from either the beginning book or the advanced book, roundtable topics that are 1-2 minute extemporaneous speeches on topics choosen by the Topic Leader, evaluations where pre-selected members by the two speakers provide feedback, Grammarian report, and Timer report.

Here's the interesting and exciting part. The first speaker, Barry mentioned in his speech about going from invisible to visible, about how he wanted to be bigger. For Barry, bigger sounded like he wants to pursue bigger possibilities like being the Marketing Director for the National Speakers Association. It was great to hear Barry mention going from "invisible to visible." It was great because I hadn't met anyone unsolicited who had mentioned the idea. Then, after the meeting, Barry was speaking with the District Governor of Toastmasters International who was visiting and I overheard her comment to Barry about how she had felt invisible, too. I quickly and gently interrupted (to become more visible to them), letting them know that I was interested in interviewing them for my book about invisibility. Very eagerly, they both shared their business cards. Watch for their upcoming stories.

I'm going to sign up to be a member. Not just for the practice of public speaking, but also to hear and meet others who have wrestled with their invisibility. I want to learn from them and share their stories with others, too.

the moment of going from invisible to visible

Someone recently asked me about the moment when I went from being invisible to being more visible.

I've always been relatively visible. I go to work. I go out. i see friends in public. When I was invisible, it was more about feeling that I didn't want to speak up or be noticed. I also remember thinking to myself about the years as a professional that I would work hard enough and do well enough so that I get more visibility and be assigned to even more exciting projects.

Feeling invisible is the conscious or unconconscious choice to not stand out, to not be noticed. It was the part of me that even though I succeeded at my work, I would avoid being recognized for it. Wow, how could I get more visibility if I wasn't willing to be recognized for it.

The moment of going from invisible to visible happened when I realized my own invisibility. When I realized how invisible I was throughout my life, I realized that I had a choice. Whenever I was recognized for my expertise and asked to be part of a new opportunity, I had a choice. I could either decline it based on my belief that I wasn't good enough for it, or I could accept it trusting that something new and exciting would emerge. I could continue to feed my invisibility or I could take a stand for myself and be seen.

small steps or big visions?

During last night's dinner with our neighbors Mary and Deb across the street, Mary brought up the topic about creating a salon to discuss "what is citizenship?" As the backdrop for this question she engaged the rest of us in trying to find a place of understanding and of action after last year's presidential election.

As the discussion progressed, I found myself wanting her to be more and more visible about where her passion is. I found myself explaining that others are likely to be in this same place of seeking. I encouraged her to reach out through ideas like a panel discussion or a blog. I suggested a panel because she knew the daughter of our state's congressman, a political diplomat, and someone who ran for city council last year. I suggested a blog because I felt that she could engage others around the question she was asking, kind of her own political movement that could give her the support that I felt she was searching for. In spite of ideas like these, she felt overwhelmed at such possibilities. What she was really asking for was a small intimate conversation with a handful of her closest friends. What she really wanted was a small step towards gaining the clarity that she needed to determine the next step.

This is what it's like to go from being invisible to being visible. Taking small steps with people you trust before taking the next step. For me, I played the role of the visioneer, someone who wanted her to know that there are even greater possibilities ahead. It's in that tension between the small steps and the great big visions that we may find excitement or discouragement. We need to be careful about both, making sure that we don't just stay preoccupied with where it's safe, but also not getting so caught up in the big dreams that we loose touch with reality. Through dancing in that balance, we find ourselves exercising the power of in-visibility, sometimes being where it is safe, doing it so that we have the confidence and the courage to take the next step, to be more visible about what we care about, about what matters.